Monday, November 07, 2005

Pastor Damocles

The "pastor" D.L. Foster is a self-identified "ex-gay" who is the Founder of Witness Ministries, dedicated to ministering to men and women trapped in unwanted homosexuality. No word on what they do to help those trapped in unwanted heterosexuality. Since he is married, with five children, one might reasonably assume he is now straight. One would be wrong.

"I don't claim, and have never claimed to be 'straight'."

-- "pastor" D.L. Foster, Sept. 19, 2005*

(*Yes, I'm going to put the word pastor in quotes every time it appears before "pastor" D.L. Foster's name. So get used to it.)

yes, that lumberjack

This twilight zone of not-straight ex-gaiety helps to explain why he has a blog devoted completely to gays. Or, that is, dedicated to overblown rhetoric, distortions, and lies about gays. You see, the "pastor" D.L. Foster walks a razor's edge and the slightest slip-up could slice off his "ex" and suddenly he's just a plain ol' garden variety not-straight gay. And what better way to prove your not-straight ex-gaiety than through standing up to a non-ending torrent of persecution? Sort of kick-the-dog syndrome, but in this case it's kick-the-strawman. For these made-up incidents cannot be veined with degrees of nuance. No shades of gray are allowed -- the attack must stand out vividly against the background because not a moment of doubt or introspection can be allowed or the whole house of cards collapses. Such mental gymnastics requires the intellectual equivalent of a lithe, 14 year old on the Women's Olympic team. Fortunately for us, the "pastor" D.L. Foster has all the grace of a ham-handed lumberjack trying to knit with railroad spikes. Thus, gays are just like the Ku Klux Klan, they are terrorists, and any protest which includes gays is portrayed as intimidating and threatening.

Pastor Zombie

The "pastor" D.L. Foster loves the biblical story of Lazarus as a metaphor. He has written a book called Touching a Dead Man. "Styled after the Biblical Lazarus, Foster is a modern day Lazarus, who is out of his tomb...and you don't want to miss what he has to say!" If you guessed it must sound something like "Arrrggghhh! Gaaarrrggghh! Mmmmffffppppth!" you wouldn't be far off the mark. And what's with the touching? Well, I 'm not about to buy the book to find out, but this entry on his blog references it. And leaves more questions than it answers.

"Anyway, as the story goes, Jesus calls Lazarus from his grave of four days and in front of all the traditionally correct (tc) Jews he told them to 'loose him and let him go.' This was akin to saying 'Go eat 3 slices of bacon'. Levitical law stipulated that to touch any dead thing would instantly defile. But Lazarus was alive wasn't he? He was, but not to the traditionally correct. So they had a BIG problem with that."
At the risk of over-interpreting this goofy account, I might guess that "traditionally correct" is code for "politically correct" which he equates with liberals, i.e. gays. Hey, if the "pastor" D.L. Foster wants to be ex-gay I wish him the best of luck. Really. I just wish he'd realize it's not okay to continue with the constant denigrating of gays. And what's up with the invitation to touch him? With that and the pork reference, things are looking a little homoerotically suspicious. So how does he conclude this muddy thought? "Get my book for the full Monty." Oy.

Hey baby, touch Lazarus Jr. and raise him from the dead.

This logic of identifying with Lazarus is also a little iffy because the "pastor" D.L. Foster also says that "Lazarus got sick one day and died. The Bible doesn't say what his illness was which is great because it allows you to self identify with him by inserting your own 'illness' into the prognosis of the riveting story." Now, there's no two ways about it. He is clearly implying that his former gayness is an illness that was cured, and yet he claims to never use the word cure in this manner. I guess it does make a certain (non)sense that a non-life ex-death that doesn't-cure an ex-illness would lead to not-straight ex-gaiety.

Well, that should serve as an overview. Be sure to check back for further and more detailed debunking of this bigot to see how he massages his ego in order to prove to himself (and his "god") just how not-straight ex-gay he really is so that he can rest easy in the knowledge that the combination to his fart locker is safe for one more day.

Further reading:

  • Red Tory has excellent posts on the "pastor" D.L. Foster here, here and here.
  • See also RadPurple's entry which points up the capricious nature of the posting policy at the Foster Home, despite a list of rules.


Carl said...

Ewwwwwwwwwwwww, touching his "dead man"?

Who's the father of his five kids?

Love the Happy Bunny reference, by the way.

And is he saying Lazarus died of AIDS? The Weekly World News says Dracula was the world's first AIDS victim. Is he saying Lazarus was Dracula?

Does Jesus know about this? And can you kill a vampire with a cross before the Lord was crucified?

Enquiring minds want to know!

Anonymous said...

It's my understanding that the cross wasn't used as a symbol of Christianity until 400AD.


Fantod said...

There must have been a lot of vampires prior to that.

Unless the per capita use of garlic was greater to compensate.

Anonymous said...

OK, you're going to laugh, but one of the symbols they used for Christianity prior to 400BC was...fruit! LOL!

:not kidding smiley:

Take that pastor not-gay! Oh, and the BC "comic" strip, too! Ha!

I :heart: fantod!


Fantod said...

Oh my gosh, NOI! I think Sigfreyd showed us a picture of it recently...

Was it this?

Anonymous said...


I think that symbol was only used to convert the non-believers.